Oh my! This year has been full of surprises and tragedies. I left my husband, I found an amazing man to spend my life with, I lost my mother to cancer, found out that I was pregnant, and had an emergency root canal along with many other things that escape me at this moment. I have met amazing people along my journey and made some life-long friends. I have cried, laughed, faltered, succeeded. Life is coming at me very quickly. Too many things to deal with all at once. I find myself feeling very alone when no one is around... empty. Even though there is so much that I could be doing at this very second, I find it easier just to sit and do mindless tasks; surfing the internet, watching tv, napping. I find that I can't ask anyone for help. I try to find people to spend time with me when I feel this way, but they have lives... I don't expect them to drop everything to come be with me. I don't want them to. But when I reach out and get denied, even though I can foresee it, it still bothers me. I think that I do it sometimes to hurt myself. I know they are busy, but yet I still search to find someone to spend lonely evenings with; to occupy my time and mind. I want to feel better.
I am having a baby in February. I am having a BABY in February. I have to keep telling myself that because I forget. I forget that I am having a baby. I don't think that I have any idea what to expect. I am excited, and petrified at the same time. I have so much support around me, but I can't get over my aversion to asking for help. I can't get over it. I feel like a failure when it comes to asking for things and advice. I need to desperately get over that. I guess I just feel like it's my issue, not anyone else's problem. Nothing specific, just a feeling. My support has grown. The idea of a baby is so appealing to people. They will love and cherish my baby as much as I will. It takes a village to raise a child as my mother always said.... My mother. Oh how I miss her! I think of her everyday. Everyday. At times I have to push it out of my mind so that I can get through what I am dealing with because it becomes so overwhelming to deal with both. I hope to God that I am as good of a mother as mine was. But all I have to go off of is what I remember. She isn't there to remind of how wonderful she is. I have to remember the things she taught me and give that to my own child. Give my baby those lessons. I want to love endlessly and unconditionally. It scares me. It scares me to love something as much as I loved my mother, or as much as I knew that she loved me. I have support and others who love me. Grandma Wen will be wonderful. I have faith in her. I am sure that she's as afraid as I am :) But once the baby comes, she will know exactly what to do. She will love them more than she can even imagine.
Anyway, that's enough for now. Keep ya posted!
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