My mother passed away on February 15, 2009 at 7:12 pm. It was the most devastating experience of my life thus far. I watched her take her last breaths, and all I could think about was that I was not ready for this. But when is anyone ready? How can you be ready to lose your best friend, your mother, your everything? I knew I could never be ready... and never will be ready. What breaks my heart is that I can't talk to her, she can't hold me in her embrace and make everything better. The one person that always made everything better for me cannot be here. In a way though, she is. Her presence is around me and I know that I can always turn to that. I find myself staring off in the distance, hoping to get a glimpse of her, hoping that I will hear her.
While she was in the hospital, I had a hard time being there and seeing her go through something so horrible. On the other hand, I didn't want to be anywhere else. It was a life changing experience. I will never forget that week... it was challenging. I miss everything about her, even her nagging ;) I told her everything before she passed. I told her that I would be ok and that Wennie and I would look out for one another. I know that's what she worried about. It's always a huge stress to leave behind the ones you love... to hope they will live through your passing. We assured her that we were all ok and that she could let go when she felt was right. I miss her so much and that is hurts.
Friends and family have been amazing, but it's still something that I am not sure how to do. I find myself thinking that if I just call Mom, it will all be fine. I quickly realize that she isn't there and it knocks me back. I can't imagine going through life without her, but unfortunately I have no choice.
Kevin has been amazing to me and really helped me get through a lot of this. His support and care has been an eye opening experience. He is selfless and only wants to make things better for me. Nini has been such a kind friend. She has talked to me about it, but knows that I will grieve in my own way and just helps me keep my mind busy. I miss Wendy a lot right now. I want to be with her, but it's also hard in a way. She needs time to be alone, as do I. I am going back on my birthday to see her. Man, will it be different to not have Mom be a part of things.
My mother was so selfless, caring, and quite frankly, the most wonderful person I have ever met. She had this way about her... she would charm a room. Everyone that met her loved her spirit. I always wanted to be like her. I was the luckiest daughter in the world. I hope to be like her someday... to have everyone love me the way she had everyone love her. The amount of people whose lives she touched was simply spectacular. To see one woman affect so many peoples' lives was astonishing. I was so proud of her that last week. I could tell that her life was full of wonderful people.
It's a process... I need to write and remind myself of things so that I will never forget how I felt through all of this. I will never forget her though. My children will know her through the stories I tell of her and through pictures and things that she did for me. I was a lucky lucky girl :)
No comments:
Post a Comment